Christmas and New Year passed in a bit of a haze for me. I wasn’t feeling right but didn’t know why. Then I returned to work on 3rd January – feeling like the festivities had just passed me by and here I was back again. Then about 5am on 4th January I woke up with my heart racing, feeling really not well, not understanding what was going on. Over the next few days I ruled out various heart problems and after a week or so I began to understand that what I was experiencing was not heart problems but chronic anxiety. It appeared my body and brain had got stuck in 'flight or fight' mode. Not nice.
It took me a good few weeks to get my head round all that, and actually accept and own what was happening. It’s really hard when you are in that place to ever see your way out. Good hours flipped with bad hours, good days flipped with bad days…my body and brain had said enough. You are overloaded. Slow down. Stop.
And so I did. With much help from family and friends I slowly worked my way through things. I meditated, became super mindful, ate well, exercised, relaxed and enlisted a psychologist to my cause. But beyond all this I taught myself all about what was going on and what was happening. I read some fascinating and insightful books (I have recommendations if anyone wants). I understood that what was happening was that I hadn’t been listening to my body and missed all the cues, so much so that my 300 million year old brain had taken over and made me stop. Simply overpowering myself with signals to make me slow down. Pretty scary.
So I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and re-imagining. Not one that’s by any means complete, but one that I can hopefully say now has the worst part well behind me. I’ve become better for it however – learning the importance of looking after myself better if I want to look after others. I’ve learned to remember and practise self-compassion, gratitude, kindness and love. I’ve learned that it’s OK to not always be OK. To go gently when I need and accept that. Live in the now and let things flow through. Be kind to myself. Smile, breathe and go more slowly.
And as I emerged in mid-March I entered a story that everyone knows well. I was emerging to a world about to enter lockdown due to Covid-19. I worried if my anxiety, would regress but so far it hasn’t. And generally all of this has treated us as a family very well. We are blessed with a lovely house and garden, and nice weather to help us enjoy it. But I shan’t labour that part. Suffice to say I am back and (hopefully) so is this Blog. The below is a potted history of the last few months…
Oh, and suffice to say, if anyone is ever experiencing anxiety and wants to talk about it…please get in touch if you want. I am more than happy to share my own experience.
And so I did. With much help from family and friends I slowly worked my way through things. I meditated, became super mindful, ate well, exercised, relaxed and enlisted a psychologist to my cause. But beyond all this I taught myself all about what was going on and what was happening. I read some fascinating and insightful books (I have recommendations if anyone wants). I understood that what was happening was that I hadn’t been listening to my body and missed all the cues, so much so that my 300 million year old brain had taken over and made me stop. Simply overpowering myself with signals to make me slow down. Pretty scary.
So I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and re-imagining. Not one that’s by any means complete, but one that I can hopefully say now has the worst part well behind me. I’ve become better for it however – learning the importance of looking after myself better if I want to look after others. I’ve learned to remember and practise self-compassion, gratitude, kindness and love. I’ve learned that it’s OK to not always be OK. To go gently when I need and accept that. Live in the now and let things flow through. Be kind to myself. Smile, breathe and go more slowly.
And as I emerged in mid-March I entered a story that everyone knows well. I was emerging to a world about to enter lockdown due to Covid-19. I worried if my anxiety, would regress but so far it hasn’t. And generally all of this has treated us as a family very well. We are blessed with a lovely house and garden, and nice weather to help us enjoy it. But I shan’t labour that part. Suffice to say I am back and (hopefully) so is this Blog. The below is a potted history of the last few months…
Oh, and suffice to say, if anyone is ever experiencing anxiety and wants to talk about it…please get in touch if you want. I am more than happy to share my own experience.
A real life home-made gingerbread house for Xmas
Cousin-abatics
Xmas saw the arrival of my brother's drone
Oh yes...the girls won the annual Cranium...again
Xmas/New Year interlude in North Berwick
And a trip up the Law
We celebrated our 3rd family birthday in early January
And Grandad's 90th later that month
Grandma joined in too - fresh out of hospital
Niomi celebrated being 5
With an Elsa cake
And an Elsa party
Videoclip: Niomi's 5th family party
And we also celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary
A winter weekend in North Berwick
The biggest and the smallest in the winter sun
And then lockdown began
But the sun came out
Videoclip: Garden helper
Emily learned to cook pizza
The daffodils brought Spring to the garden
The Easter Bunny came
Videoclip: Easter Egg hunt
We celebrated birthdays from a distance
The girls grew up 1
The girls grew up 2
Tin Anniversary - ten years since we met
Garden holiday - Camping, swimming pool and adventure
Sun and ice cream - how to pass the time in lockdown
